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Addiction and The Self Destruction

To people that do not know me my name is Fraser I am recovering adict from Alcohol and cocaine, Last week I become 1 year clean from both addictions so how did I become an adict well let go back years and try find a way to explain.

After leaving the forces in 2007 I struggled with daily life coming from in a routine to well find your own routine that I found hard my drinking was binging at weekend in 2008 I got my first job in civiy street as bar tender in a hotel in Ayr, I worked here for few months didn’t have issues really with drinking or drugs I met my daughters Mum and moved to Glasgow at end of 2008, between then and 2011 I had issues with my mental health but actually never had issues with addition at the point I knew nothing about addiction yes my mental health I had issues with but I was seeking help with this.

In 2010 I was working as security for Asda in Glasgow, while on duty in 10.01.2010 I witnessed a gangland shooting in front cark of the store now this is mid-day and many customers around I was first on seen trying to get people into the store while this was all going on, the shooting had stopped I went over to car and saw a man in backseat dead which took a lot out myself doing a minimum paid job and caught in middle of all this.

My ex gave birth to my beautiful daughter Tiana on 14.12.2008 she kept me going and was best thing to happen in my life, as years went by my and Tiana mum there was nothing there I was sleeping on sofa while Tiana was getting to age of whys daddy not with mum I had make the difficult decision of leaving as I didn’t want my daughter seeing all this but I still wanted to be big part of her life which I knew was going be made difficult as I left.

For me this was turning point and drinking stared I moved back to my mums in Ayrshire I got my own flat I had met folk that took drugs I had contacts in Glasgow knowing where to get drugs. By 2014 I went from binge drinker to heavy drinking first thing in morning again I never knew I had issues until May 2015 I stopped suddenly drink, I hadn’t had any sleep for 4 nights this is something I’ll never forget I was wide awake I could hear music in my head I saw thing that wasn’t there if I shut my eyes I saw black shadow with these men digging a grave even when I had my eyes open I was seeing dirt coming from the sky I kept asking folk who was with me at the time can u see that and they couldn’t, I was sent to hospital and closing my eyes I seen it more clear it was like I had been captured the faces of theses people was like something out a movie creepy very cold in dark wood with small fire the smell was awful but in click of a finger I started getting body sensations where these people said I was going to hell and if you seen Braveheart at the end u see old chains hooks to rip you open, my eyes where open I felt like one by one my organs where taking out of my body and when I shut my eyes the people where showing me the organs like it was fun to watch, then it felt like they left one thing my heart and if I didn’t do what they said I would die, I left hospital giving instructions where to go I was running around a field and if I didn’t do what they said the would poke my heart reminding me what was going to happen this went on for hours miles of walking and finally I went back to hospital with this still ongoing I couldn’t speck to staff as they called it I was going thru psychosis the medical team had to sedate me where I slept for over 24hrs.

I woke up in mental health ward on a drip and giving diazepam I was shaking my event what had happened previous 5 days doctor informed me I was having DTS (Delirium tremens) so what is that.

The main symptoms of delirium tremens are nightmares, agitation, global confusion, disorientation, visual and [9] auditory hallucinations, tactile hallucinations, fever, high blood pressure, heavy sweating, and other signs of autonomic hyperactivity (fast heart rate and high blood pressure). These symptoms may appear suddenly, but typically develop two to three days after the stopping of heavy drinking, being worst on the fourth or fifth day.[10] Also, these symptoms are characteristically worse at night.[11] In general, DT is considered the most severe manifestation of alcohol withdrawal and occurs 3–10 days following the last drink.[9] Other common symptoms include intense perceptual disturbance such as visions of insects, snakes, or rats. These may be hallucinations or illusions related to the environment, e.g., patterns on the wallpaper or in the peripheral vision that the patient falsely perceives as a resemblance to the morphology of an insect and are also associated with tactile hallucinations such as sensations of something crawling on the subject—a phenomenon known as formication. Delirium tremens usually includes extremely intense feelings of "impending doom". Severe anxiety and feelings of imminent death are common DT symptoms.

DT can sometimes be associated with severe, uncontrollable tremors of the extremities and secondary symptoms such as anxiety, panic attacks and paranoia. Confusion is often noticeable to onlookers as those with DT will have trouble forming simple sentences or making basic logical calculations.

DT should be distinguished from alcoholic hallucinosis, the latter of which occurs in approximately 20% of hospitalized alcoholics and does not carry a significant mortality. In contrast, DT occurs in 5–10% of alcoholics and carries up to 15% mortality with treatment and up to 35% mortality without treatment.[12] DT is characterized by the presence of altered sensorium; that is, a complete hallucination without any recognition of the real world. DT has extreme autonomic hyperactivity (high pulse, blood pressure, and rate of breathing), and 35-60% of patients have a fever. Some patients experience seizures.

After this experience I drank and I drank more to me what happened in my DTS and I was going to hell I genuine thought this was real each day of hurting people to get my way was common friends, family, relationships I would feed my habit any way I could I was getting into trouble with police where I spent 6 months in prison for breach of bail I done thing I was never proud of but my addiction just I couldn’t give up I was so scared that I was going to die if I stopped I kept that thought for 5 years of harming others destroying my family who genuine was watching me kill myself each day waking up first thing on my mind was drink so withdrawals never happened by December 2019 I was desperate to stop so January 2020 13th I went to doctors explained all was going on I got admitted for an emergency detox but here I found my higher power I called Tom Harrison House and they said could get me in following week which I done my detox and there wasn’t turning back train was booked I went 0730 train to Liverpool lime street where today I don’t look back.

Addiction is real it can hit anyone with even noticing it I started using to block all my demons out my head but, I was feeding the demons to make them worse I cannot blame anyone for what I done as I was bring people who cared about me down when they were trying to help, I was so good a telling people what they wanted to hear. But when I went to Rehab, I became a much better person who I was I wanted to tackle my demos which I did and each day I will tackle them and my trigger, but I got the chance to gain tools in rehab have right people around me and most of all be honesty all the time.

I fully understand what its like to be an addict but being in recovery yes, it is hard and tiering, my alcoholism has giving me chronic pancreatitis and Diabetes but that my fault I never listened to people when the warning signs was there…… The truth I never believed addiction would happen to me, but it did 365 day plus its draining, but I reach out when I need to, I have an amazing wife to be Bella who stuck by me for past few years she believed in me I just could not open my eyes and smell the coffee its.

Mental health is hard to deal with daily, but do you want to add more issues to what u have got right now drink or drug taking is never the answer but yes, I understand why we do it, but I see the hope am grateful for my family supporting me, friends Bella and to everyone who follows my journey and proud of many of you that is reach out and asked for support as that’s hardest thing to do. I work my way up to help others got qualification’s so I can give back and help others out the ole or to intervene someone starting to dig that hole.

I was once in denial, but I am not ashamed to say am I recovering alcoholic

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Thanks for all you support.

Fraser Elliot

F4V Addictions Director

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